A long while back, I had spoken with a friend who has been a spiritual guide for me.  His name is Tommy.  I asked him about adoption in the bible.  Adoption as it is defined by humans doesn't exist in the bible.  I don't believe that we are adopted into God's love.  I believe that we are all God's children.  What brought this up is this video that was posted by Von .  I think as a society and as a world we tend define things by our experiences.  We do not stop to look at things from God's perspective.  I am not saying that I know what they are. 

I spent Sunday reading.  I wanted to delve into some fiction stuff.  I had not done it in quite a while.  I find that I can't listen to regular rock music or read regular fiction or non fiction books yet.  I can't get into them.  My boyfriend bought me several books by authors that I love.  I just can not bring myself to read them just yet.  He bought them to give me pleasure.  They will in time.  For now, in order for me to heal and become what God has intended, I need to stick to this new pattern of reading my Bible and spiritual books.  I have done the counseling thing, going to church when I can, and listening to KMOC and KLOVE.  They have brought forth more healing than everything else combined.  I am learning who I am more and more as each day goes forward. I find myself discovering who I am as a woman and as a human being.  It is still a work in progress.  At times, I feel on shaky grounds.  I am lucky in that I have a boyfriend who is helping me grow.  He is not the typical man that I have dated in the past. 

My mother made a comment that he reminds her of my ex.  She initially said it with almost anger and distaste.  I was initially hurt by her words.   I can see it on a physical level with his mustache, beard, and cowboy hat.  He really isn't anything like my ex.  He is so much more.  He is a country boy.  He doesn't drink.  He reads his bible just as much if not more so than I do.  His love language is the same as mine, physical touch.  He is a spiritual guide as God intended.  He is reader like me.  He is a great romantic.  He is wild at heart.  I see his wild side and love it.  He loves my girls as much as  he loves me.  I love his children as he loves mine.  My boyfriend allows me to be humble but glorified in his eyes.  That is very uncomfortable for me because I have been humiliated for so long in my life. 

He also has bought me several other books.  The Five Love Languages is one that I read this weekend.  He also bought me The Shack .  He bought me several other spiritual books.  I have mentioned that I have read Captivating and Wild at Heart by John and Stasi Eldredge.  They started me on a path to healing.  In between these books, I read my Bible.  I bought myself a new one several months ago.  It is a NIV version.  I read it. 

I spent the last fourteen years depleting my love tank.  It got to a point where I honestly did not know what love was.  I did not know how to receive it or give it any longer.  All of the love in my heart had been taken, cast aside, and criticized as not being good enough.  I have reconnected with my family, friends and even past boyfriends.  I remember one old boyfriend's comments, "What the fuck happened to you, Amy.  You weren't this way when I knew you."

After reading The Five Love Languages, I realized that my love language is physical touch.  Here I am became someone that could not touch anyone.  That language was denied to me as punishment.  Physical abuse compounds the wound further.  I have lived my life defending my life, my heart, and my soul from wounding.  I spent my last fourteen years just trying to survive.  I did not spend them living.  I feel that if I stayed with my ex, I would have ended up committing suicide.  I felt that unloved in my life. 

After reading half of The Shack, I learned some things.  God created us to be loved.  That is our mission in life.  God is love.  Living life unloved is a severe limitation that is unnatural for us just as clipping a bird's wings is unnatural for them.  In order for us to love, we must accept God's love unconditionally; thus learning to love others the same way that He loves us. 

Another line in the book was also profound to me.  It was stated by Sarayu in the book.  She is the Holy Spirit character in it. 

When you chose independence over relationship, you became a danger to one another.  Others became objects to be manipulated or managed for your own happiness.  Authority, as you usually think of it, is merely the excuse the strong ones use to make others conform to what they want.

Wow what a way to say things.   This book is so incredible that I can't put it down.  I feel that I am being moved closer and closer to God and His three persons. 

This is a Sponsored Post written by me on behalf of Boost Mobile. All opinions are 100% mine.

I have service with Sprint.  I am very satisfied with their service.  I really love my Moment.  Sometimes there are people who would like to not be bound by a contract with their cell phone service.  Many of these companies such as Boost Mobile are offering really great plans that are competitive with many of the contract services.  They are offering a wide variety of phones and plans such as the Blackberry with their $60.00 per month unlimited talk, text, web, and email.  This phone is a great one because it allows you to go online and perform a great deal of social networking including Facebook and many other sites that help you with connecting with friends, business, and family.  That is pretty good.  I pay twice that with my phone plan with my Google Moment but I also have three lines on my account. 

They also have great ways to pay on your account.  Re-Boost is one of those ways where you can pay by phone, online, or in person.  The choice is yours.  A family or friend can even make a payment on your phone for you as well.  It is pretty easy to sign up.  You can get phone service relatively quickly. 

Another India case has come up in the news again. It seems that the India adoptee counter parts are stepping up more and more these days. This is the second article in the last week about adoptees wanting access to their records in foreign countries. It puts the spotlight on irregular adoptions.  In this case, the adoption records have gone missing.  I wrote about another case on my Coleman Moms and Babes blog recently. 

I find it courageous and empowering that many of these international adoptees are stepping up.  It is absolutely awesome that they are standing up for their rights.  It puts the high beam on unethical agencies both in the United States as well as other countries, both sending and receiving.  Sadly all of this will go nowhere until the most powerful people stop and realize that we are ignoring the traded merchandise are in fact humans.  We must all take responsibility.  We all have to step up and support each other. 

Recently a new installer was hired.  I found out that he was from Guatemala.  I told him that I got knee deep in the craziness of Guatemalan adoptions.  I asked him about the circumstances in that country.  He told me that Americans were in fact baby buying from adoption agencies who were stealing children from their parents.  I thought that was really interesting.  Here is a man from that country telling me this.  I told him about a couple of the mothers who had their children who were going on hunger strikes until their children were returned. 

We have to stop and realize what we are doing to future adoptees.  What happened in the sixties and the seventies is repeating itself in other countries.  We must put a stop to it. 

Redecorating one’s home just doesn’t include new furniture or new ideas.  It includes many things.  One of those things that is often overlooked is mini blinds.  Today’s mini blinds do not just give privacy.  They provide color and ambiance to a home.  They also help  protect one’s electricity bill.  They help reflect much of the summer heat or the winter cold by preventing and reflecting the wind or the sun from increasing your bill.  

If I could have my choice of colors of mini blinds, I would choose a sage green or a tan for my living room.  I would choose navy blue for my bedroom.  I would get a brightly colored set for my daughters’ room.  I would choose a dark hunter green for my dining room area.  I would also use heavy curtains to keep my apartment as warm or as cold as possible.  It gives my apartment the ambiance that I want while saving me money on my electricity bill.  

When you order those colored blinds, they can be expensive.  I am always looking for ways to save money so I can spend extra money on my daughters to give them what they want.  So I scour the internet often looking for inexpensive ways to cut my costs.   I found some Cheap Blinds to help me do that.  If you are looking to redecorate, be sure to do the same.  The internet is innovative and great at discovering great deals. 

Abandonment is a core issue for adoptees.  I wanted to address this issue because it is a topic that is being addressed in my new relationship.   We are facing it head on instead of beating around the bush like I did with my ex husband.  I am addressing these issues in a manner that frees me from them instead of having them lock me up as they have done in the past.  

Today I am feeling agitation.  When I feel that feeling, it means that I need to face something that I am fighting not just with myself but with God as well.

One of the many issues and things that I am noticing in many adoptee writings these days is that abandonment brings out the anger in them.  I do understand it.  I have been there.  For those that do not know the full story behind me, you can read  about it in various other blog posts.  I was an adoptee who was denied contact.  Here it is years later.  I have found peace in it.  Recently someone tried to hurt me with this little fact by saying that my birthmother is fearful of me.  I have to disagree that she is.  It is really pathetic that she would try this tactic with me.  Funny thing is the ranch and my ex have given me all the letters and will continue to do so.

My situation for the last year has brought out every fear.  My situation has forced me to look at those issues in a new light. It has forced me to look at every fear in a fierce, harsh light.  Are they realistic?  Are they valid?  Are they fears that are based in past experiences?  Can they be faced?  Can they be put to rest?  The answers that I am getting is a resounding yes.  

An example is heights for me.  Up until several years ago, I was not afraid of heights.  I rolled a family pickup where I flipped it three and half times.  My daughters and I walked away from that accident amazingly unharmed.  In exchange for that well being, I gained a fear.  I applied for a job that requires me to get over my fear.  I was lucky with my training.  It was a controlled environment where I was safe and protected.    I ended up working with a bunch of guys who had the same fear along with a supervisor and a trainer that gently encouraged me.  I felt safe that in that if my fear controlled me, they would help me out of the situation.  When I climbed up that ladder, my fear was still there but it was lessoned.  The second time that I climbed the ladder, that fear was gone.  I even went up a third time.   It was gone.  Occasionally it rears its ugly head but I face it with ease and confidence.   I have climbed a ladder so many times now that it is becoming second nature to me.

Through out my marriage, I felt the fear of abandonment.    It was a controlling feeling.  Key word in that sentence is “was.”  I know what I want from my relationship now.   I know that I don’t want that fear to control me.  I have found myself expressing my feelings now instead of letting them brew inside of me for years.  I want to face the issues now.  If I get mad, I express in a healthy manner and to the point so that it is not rehashed many  years later.  

I also have a huge fear that my daughters will get hurt.  Sometimes I just have to have faith.  A perfect example was last night.  My youngest daughter called me.  I heard her father in the background, screaming.  Yes I said screaming.  That alone frightened me.  I wanted to race in and rescue both of my daughters.  I finally had to get off the phone because I knew that I could not take it.  My youngest daughter spent the last month and half not having to deal with someone screaming or fighting.  I took her and picked her up at the local boys and girls club.  She had fun playing all day.  She came home with a tired Mom but she did not have to deal with someone screaming at her for whatever reason.  

Abandonment does not equal letting go.  The hardest part for all of this with me is sometimes I have to let go of girls.  I pray that God keeps them safe out of harm’s way.  I pray that my Dad, Edgar and my grandmother are up there watching over them being the guardian angels that God intended them to be.   It is a natural response to want to control the environment of my daughters but I can’t due to someone’s vindictiveness and bitterness.  I have to tell my daughters that I can not help them.  They have to fend for themselves at their father’s home.  There has been times when I have told the girls to go to the girlfriend.  Maybe she can get him to open his eyes.  Sometimes it works and other times it doesn’t.  

I am learning to think outside the box.  I can thank God, cable, my family, and friends.  

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I would give anything to pursue my Bachelor’s degree. It is something that I have dreamed about for years. One of the fall backs of my marriage is that I was not given the opportunity because someone’s needs always came before my own desires. Although I love my job, I do have bigger aspirations and dreams. I want to be able to use my mind, my experiences, and my thoughts for a bigger purpose. I also have a bit of a creative side as many have seen on my blog. I have always been interested in the Arts. I would not be a reader if I wasn’t. If you have a teaching degree, you can now achieve your Master of Arts in Teaching degree with USC Rossier School of Education program information. It is a great way to give back to the children of our country. It is a great way to help students learn about American art. It furthers their education by introducing them to a wealth of new opportunities. This school has a great tuition reimbursement program. This school is distinguished and recognized for their contribution to education. Here is your chance to step outside of the box and expand your horizons from your home.

This is an open call for all women and men out there in the Wilbarger and counties.   Have you experienced Judge Dan Mike Bird?  Do you feel that he made a bad call in your case?  If you do, you are not alone.  I am in the process of collecting cases where this man showed a bias in his decision process.  Did he threaten to terminate your parental rights?  Did he threaten to put you in jail for disobeying his rulings?  If so, please contact me at amy@amyadoptee.com.  I know that there are women out there.  If we can get enough information, we can put an end to his discriminatory practices.  This includes decisions where he has called folks of color bad names. 

I have seen court cases where his decisions were overruled by the Texas Appeals Court system.  I have been in contact with those folks.  Lets join together and prevent this from happening to others.  It is time to end the cruelty and injustice.  Only we can do this.  I may be one voice but others are joining.  Together we can get things done.

Money issues are tough for any divorced individual.  It is so easy to get caught up in loans and credit card debt.  Its even tougher trying to get all those new budgetary concerns under wraps.   Lord knows that I have been receiving all kinds of offers from credit card companies.  I want to be smart in my finances.  Since I am not officially divorced as in there is still no signed divorce decree, my credit history is still wrapped up with my ex-husband's stuff.  His insurance issues are wrapped up with mine.  He has gotten a ticket and had an accident.  I can't even get good liability insurance at a decent rate because our lives are still too wrapped up together.  If he is falling behind on his credit card payments, I am also tied into that one even though they are not in my name.  When the time is right for me to get credit cards is when I am completely on my feet.  I am still working on it.  I am doing everything that I can to play it smart.  I do not want to be in a financial bind ever again.  Its one step at a time for me. 

This is to give formal notice to Vicki that she must cease and desist.  All emails, internet commentary, phone calls, and letters are now being forwarded to law enforcement.  As noted on this blog , Musing Mother , Motherhood Deleted and others,  evidence is being collected and being turned over.  It is enough to alarm others.  They have reported it to their law enforcement agencies. 

For those that are getting this commentary, please let one of us know.  Go ahead and publish them as they will be documented.  I know that these comments are scary.  Please do not spare our feelings as we are very aware of what is going on.  She goes by the name of Blue Clue, CUB Mom, Candy Cane, and Indianna Friend.  If you see this, please publish it and forward it to me, Musing Mother or Motherhood Deleted.  We are working to resolve the issue. 

It would be nice to be able to send out a post card or two to let family know that I was okay.  I know that folks despite what they say would still love to receive a post card or letter.  Email is so easy but customers and family need a visual reminder that comes directly to them in the mail. So how does one find a postcard printed?  There are many companies that make these for businesses.  They also make them for regular consumers to send them to their families.  You use them to announce a birthday party for your son or daughter.  You can use them to announce a huge family reunion.  You can use them to announce a huge sale in your little shop in the middle of downtown.  You can use them to advise your clients of sales.  I had worked for a veterinarian who  used them to advise his customers and patients of their vaccination needs.  We also used them to advise them to come in for the latest in insect control to prevent their pets from being infested by fleas and ticks.  We even did it for heart worm medication.  A post card is one of the neatest ways to let someone know about an event, a party, or supplies that they need.