My life’s situation keeps twisting and blowing hard around me. I would not wish this on my worst enemy. I have had enemies. My story is a harsh and cold one. I do not dare tell others the truth because it is just too hard for them to believe. They have to be an actual witness to this cruelty. Many folks think that I exaggerate. When they actually witness my situation, they are often shocked and call those set upon my destruction sick and mental. Each day though I practice and live God’s will for me. It is sometimes a battle because I do get scared and let that fear consume me. I also let anger take over me. Fear when unexpressed and repressed often turns to anger. I have learned through the years to manage my anger in forms of writing. Sometimes this anger that I feel now can not be managed by writing. It has slowly come to be manageable because I have been praying as much as I can. I have been hitting the church aisle as much as I can. I attend classes put out by Divorce Care. It is a thirteen week course. I started in week 5. As I am doing the book work on this, I will be writing about it as I go along. I have to wonder if I am now considered a widow according to the Bible. One really wonders about the kind of thinking in those times. I do not doubt God’s love for me nor His words. I just wonder what I would be in those times.
I have enclosed two days of writing down quick thoughts as I work this book put out by Divorce Care. The questions involved in this exercises are the following:
- Does anyone understand how lonely I am?
- The loneliness of unraveled families
- Filling my void.
I do all of these exercises while reading the prescribed verses which are listed below. I do this to begin my healing. I do this to begin my journey to being whole, unique and single. I do this to return to myself, my identity, and to my life.
Psalm 68:6
God sets the lonely in families,
he leads forth the prisoners with singing;
but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land
This verse refers to the Church family along with family and friends. God is setting me not only in a Church family but also with good solid female friends who are strong in His love and support.
Psalm 27:10
Though my father and mother forsake me,
the LORD will receive me.I do believe that He will give me comfort, love, joy, and acceptance. I believe that only He can give me this at this time. Its not that I do not believe in humanity but it is because the Lord has not ever let me down. He has seen me through many a rough night. Although there were times that I doubted Him, I do not any longer. I doubted him because I lived in darkness for the last six to seven years. What scares me even more is that darkness is now reflected in my children’s actions and lives. I believe however that he can heal that darkness, pain, loss, and suffering. I constantly pray for it.
Psalm 68:5
A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows,
is God in his holy dwelling.
I find this particularly interesting because adoptees have used this when answering the Christian call to adopt bloggers. Yes I do feel that he is a father to me as I too have been fatherless through relinquishment, adoption, and divorce. He has defended both of my mothers on many occasions. I know this is true because of my mother’s deep abiding faith in God. He has given my daughters and I a home when we have none. He gives up a place to bow our heads with relief, comfort, and love. I claim this promise with my heart and soul.
James 4:8
Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded.
God is asking me to own my responsibility in the demise of the marriage. I have done several looks into my marriage. I have done so with various reading materials. I have confessed to him what I have done. He is the only one who can forgive those for me. He loves and forgives me of those. He will then draw me close.
Psalm 147:3
3 He heals the brokenhearted
and binds up their wounds.Psalm 147:6
6 The LORD sustains the humble
but casts the wicked to the ground.
Psalm 147:11
11 the LORD delights in those who fear him,
who put their hope in his unfailing loveI pray that he does this every day. I pray that he continues to guide me and heal me daily. I pray that he puts forgiveness in the hearts and souls of my daughters and I. I pray that he does the same for those set upon my destruction as well.
Ephesians 3:16-19
16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
Although I feel this full measure of Christ’s love, I still doubt and fear. I know that this is the darkness of the situation attempting to take over. I know this is that darkness putting up obstacles, obstructions, and road blocks to His love. I know this is darkness attempting to take control over me. When I feel this way, I usually say a prayer in order to remove it from my mind. It actually eases me. It actually helps me become re-focused on the chore, opportunity, and issue at hand. Sometimes it does get overwhelming. I thank God for the blessings of family, friends, and a great attorney that re-focus me immediately.