I grew up around clocks.  All kinds of clocks were in my home.  We had mantel clocks.  We had grandfather clocks.  We had digital clocks.  I have many memories of those going off at all hours of the night.  It provided comfort and peace to me.  I remember these sounds with fondness and nostalgia.  I have always been a night owl.  You could not tell that from the last six months.  I am up at six in the morning whether or not I need to be so.  It is just the issues that I am dealing with that will not allow me to sleep as before.  

I remember staying up until three or four in the morning.  I remember hearing those clocks go off with their many chimes.  I remember one wall clock in particular.  I would usually hear my father come down the hall.   He would look up at me and shake his head.  He always had to be at work early in the morning.  I still have his picture hanging on my wall.  I am now driving his car.  I drink out of his old coffee mugs.  That keep me in touch with a man who was tough, loyal, strong, and an excellent teacher.  Those clocks remind me of him.  They remind me that he is still there for me.  It is funny how those clock sounds make me think of him.  Those sounds still remind me of all that he did for me when he was alive and even now that he is passed into God’s Army of Love.

I know that my blog has gone a little off course.  I am straying away from adoption.  I am straying away from the day to day life stuff.  I really do not have much to say except that I am surviving one moment at a time.  I am living each moment right now.  I do my best to keep my head above water.  I do my best to just be.  I have some entertainment as I moved forward.    I spend every waking moment improving my quality of life.  I spend every waking moment looking for a decent paying job.  I want to provide for my daughters in the best way that I know how.  I seek guidance from folks that are from all walks of life.  I constantly research and document everything.  I actively work to improve life for my daughters and I.  It keeps me extremely busy. 

I guess I need to research some more about adoption again.  It is the one thing that has given me purpose.  I am going to return to it.  I have some thoughts on a current battle between two groups.  It is splintering the groups that should be unified and not separate.   United we stand and divided we fall.  When we attack one another, we fall apart. 

Trust me in time, I will be back on course.  I will be back stronger and better than ever before.  This time, I will have the blessings of a mighty and powerful God to back me.  In His love, I can do anything.  In His love, my daughters can conquer the world.

I have been resorting to vitamins to keep me healthy.  It helps absorb the incredible stress levels that I have been dealing with.  I have decided also to give my daughters vitamins to help reduce their stress levels as well.  I hope to have my daughters back up to par by the time they go back to their father.  I have lots of fruit, vegetables and  other healthy goodies to help restore their bodies.  Because this is a stressful situation, I have begun losing more weight.  I do look good but I do not want to lose any more weight.  Eating healthy has become important to me.  

I was overweight a couple of years ago.  I had done some reading on types of vitamins concerning that issue.   One can find vitamins and herbal supplements on just about everything.  I even found bariatric vitamins.  I actually consider it but stress managed to take over my life.  I began to cease eating as much.  I began not taking good care of myself.  Stress and heartache have a way of doing that to people.   Vitamins are an important way for your body to manage stress of any kind.   I believe that vitamins can improve the very quality of one’s life.

Today  will be a great day.  The weather is sunshiny and fair.  It will be decently warm today.  I hope to spend a great deal of time with my daughters today.  I know that it does not seem like it right now but I want to make my financial future a little bit more secure.  I intend to begin blogging more and more often.  If the ads make you feel uncomfortable, I apologize but remember it is to secure my financial future for my daughters and I.  It will bring in additional income for me to be able to spend on them.  I have darkness fighting to conspire against me.  It sometimes feels like it that is a battle over the lives of my daughters and I.  I keep my faith growing.  I keep it strong.  I do my best not to let it creep into my life.  When I feel it doing so, I get down on bended knee and pray.  I then begin to feel hope and strength seep into my soul and heart.  

I look forward to having a joyous week with both of my girls.  We will spend a great deal of time with the Church, library, the base, and many other activities.  I hope that we can have a fun filled week and weekend.  I hope that by listening and reading to my words that I pass on God’s love and hope to another person who is just like me.  I hope that I give them the kindness, love, support, and hope that I have been given by attending Evangel Temple and listening to Pastor Kyle and his wife.  They place the fire in my heart.  They give me hope.  

I do not want to offend anyone about this new side to me.  I just want to give back what has been given to me.  I have been given hope, blessings, love, compassion, strength, and a new kind of family.  Although my family feels destroyed, I am helping my daughters and I build one that is based on solid ground.   It will make us stronger, happier, and healthier individuals.  

I hope and pray that God lifts me from my darkest hour.  I hope and pray that God removes the pain, heartache, and anger from the souls of my daughters and I.  I hope and pray that God heals my body from it’s issues.  I pray and hope that God puts forgiveness in my soul for those that have hurt me.  I pray and hope that those set upon my destruction see the damage done to my daughters and I.  I pray and hope that God heals them from their anger, pain, vindictiveness, resentments, meanness, bitterness, coldness, unforgiving and unkind ways.   I pray that these people also see the error of their ways.  I pray that these folks stop the darkness in their souls.  These are things that I pray for everyday of my life right now.  I pray that God continues to guide, love, protect, and heal my friends and family  as well.  I pray that God watches out for our soldiers here in the United States and across the world.  I even pray that my enemies seek the Lord in their actions.  

I know that these sounds goofy but believe me, this works.  I testify to God’s healing love.  I praise, worship, and glorify Him at this time.  I hope that I am the good Christian that I need to be.  

Starting a new business is usually an expensive adventure.  It is a venture that requires time, money, and other resources.   In today’s economy, many of us just do not have those kinds of funds and resources.  It requires that we go above and beyond the call of duty.  It requires that we research the best possible solutions for our business  adventures.   We look for the cheapest way to buy products for our business.  We look for the best possible way to advertise our companies.   We need to get out and socialize with people.  We need business cards to spread the word about our new business.  There are many companies that can assist you but not all of these companies are economical and effective for the common every day person.  This is where research comes into play.  You research those companies that offer cheap business cards.  You listen to word of mouth of customers of these types of businesses.    You read up on the Better Business Bureau on the ethical companies.  You read the Rip Off reports on these individuals.  Research is your best resource tool in order to help you succeed at your business.  It also helps protect you, your business, and your financial resources  in the long run.

As I said in the last few posts, I have been seeking someone stronger than me to help through the most freakish nightmare that any human being can face.  I know that this will increase my strength tenfold.  I knew that I was a strong person before I began this journey.  I just did not know how strong.  I would not wish this on any enemy or human being for the life of me.  If I knew that it was going on for someone else including that enemy, I would pray for that person immediately.  I would be very supportive of that person.  I would show them the path to God’s love and healing.  It can happen even to the most unwilling.  

I never expected this kind of situation to really happen.  I did not know the depths of anger, pain, resentment, bitterness (In fact, this kind of situation makes the bitterness of both birthparents and adoptees look lame in comparison), meanness, vindictiveness, cruelty, and freakish behavior existed on this kind of level.  

I have spoken with a few divorced friends.  Only one person has seen this kind of situation.  Even his situation isn’t as weird as mine.  His situation was pretty bizarre.  As I said, my situation has been referred to as The World Turns or a great soap opera.  

I have been using a program through my church to help me heal and recover who I am as a Christian, wife, mother, daughter, and sister.  I think this is all part of God’s plan for me.  I know that my blog has turned deeply religious but I do not claim to religious.  I claim to be spiritual.  I seek a true friendship with God and His Son, Jesus.  

Many of my daily work on myself includes verses in the Bible.  I write on here what those verses are and how I feel about them.  I write my darkest and deepest emotional feelings in the workbook itself which is kept safely locked up.  I discuss those feelings within the group that I am involved with.  I discuss those feelings with others who have walked a mile in my steps.  

Day Four in this workbook of Divorce Care:

My situation is unique in that I had to leave.  I was asked to do so by my daughter.  She could not handle the stress of the home situation.  I still feel left.  I feel abandoned and kicked to the curb.  As I write this, I know that I am being mocked, humiliated, and betrayed over and over again.  This next verse is about how well God knows me and my situation.  

Psalm 139:1-10

O LORD, you have searched me
       and you know me.
 2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
       you perceive my thoughts from afar.
 3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
       you are familiar with all my ways.
 4 Before a word is on my tongue
       you know it completely, O LORD.
 5 You hem me in—behind and before;
       you have laid your hand upon me.
 6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
       too lofty for me to attain.
 7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
       Where can I flee from your presence?
 8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
       if I make my bed in the depths,
 9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
       if I settle on the far side of the sea,
 10 even there your hand will guide me,
       your right hand will hold me fast.

This verse tells me that no matter what I do that the Lord knows everything.  He feels all that I feel.  He sees what is being done to me and my girls.  It tells me that I and no one else can hide from Him.  He knows all.  He is omnipresent in all of our lives especially when we allow him into our lives.  That gives me comfort.  I take comfort in the book of Psalm.  I was told years ago that it is a book about love and passion.  It is a book that completely understands what love really means.  Many people do not believe that love like that exists in the Bible.  I know better.  God understands all things human.  He forgives us when we feel out of control.

Are you a betting kind of person?  Most of the time, I am not because taking those kinds of risks scare me.  I usually like to weigh my options carefully.  I do so very carefully.  I research my subject at hand.  I make an informed decision no matter what I do.  It sometimes is very hard to do when you can not ferret out that solid information.  It takes a great deal of time when I do not have all the time in the world to do so.  

Would you make a sport bet  on anything these days?  Would you make one on a game, a race, a rodeo, or any other similar type of situation?  I know that I am extremely careful on what I bet on these days.  I do not have the money, time, and resources to do this kind of thing.   I doubt many folks have that kind of money to do so.  I do not even take a chance on the Texas Lottery these days either.  I would love to be the one to win millions of dollars in a lottery.   I would love to be able to put my situation so far behind me. 

My life’s situation keeps twisting and blowing hard around me.  I would not wish this on my worst enemy.  I have had enemies.  My story is a harsh and cold one.  I do not dare tell others the truth because it is just too hard for them to believe.  They have to be an actual witness to this cruelty.  Many folks think that I exaggerate.  When they actually witness my situation, they are often shocked and call those set upon my destruction sick and mental.   Each day though I practice and live God’s will for me.  It is sometimes a battle because I do get scared and let that fear consume me.  I also let anger take over me.  Fear when unexpressed and repressed often turns to anger.  I have learned through the years to manage my anger in forms of writing.  Sometimes this anger that I feel now can not be managed by writing.  It has slowly come to be manageable because I have been praying as much as I can.  I have been hitting the church aisle as much as I can.  I attend classes put out by Divorce Care.  It is a thirteen week course.  I started in week 5.  As I am doing the book work on this, I will be writing about it as I go along.  I have to wonder if I am now considered a widow according to the Bible.  One really wonders about the kind of thinking in those times.  I do not doubt God’s love for me nor His words. I just wonder what I would be in those times.

I have enclosed two days of writing down quick thoughts as I work this book put out by Divorce Care.  The questions involved in this exercises are the following:

• Does anyone understand how lonely I am?
• The loneliness of unraveled families
• Filling my void.

I do all of these exercises while reading the prescribed verses which are listed below.  I do this to begin my healing.  I do this to begin my journey to being whole, unique and single.  I do this to return to myself, my identity, and to my life.  

Psalm 68:6

God sets the lonely in families,
he leads forth the prisoners with singing;
but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land

This verse refers to the Church family along with family and friends.  God is setting me not only in a Church family but also with good solid female friends who are strong in His love and support.

Psalm 27:10

Though my father and mother forsake me,
       the LORD will receive me.

I do believe that He will give me comfort, love, joy, and acceptance.  I believe that only He can give me this at this time.  Its not that I do not believe in humanity but it is because the Lord has not ever let me down.  He has seen me through many a rough night. Although there were times that I doubted Him, I do not any longer.  I doubted him because I lived in darkness for the last six to seven years.  What scares me even more is that darkness is now reflected in my children’s actions and lives.  I believe however that he can heal that darkness, pain, loss, and suffering.  I constantly pray for it.  

Psalm 68:5

A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows,
       is God in his holy dwelling.

I find this particularly interesting because adoptees have used this when answering the Christian call to adopt bloggers.  Yes I do feel that he is a father to me as I too have been fatherless through relinquishment, adoption, and divorce.  He has defended both of my mothers on many occasions.  I know this is true because of my mother’s deep abiding faith in God.  He has given my daughters and I a home when we have none.  He gives up a place to bow our heads with relief, comfort, and love.  I claim this promise with my heart and soul.  

James 4:8

Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded.

God is asking me to own my responsibility in the demise of the marriage.  I have done several looks into my marriage.  I have done so with various reading materials.  I have confessed to him what I have done.  He is the only one who can forgive those for me.  He loves and forgives me of those.  He will then draw me close.  

Psalm 147:3

 3 He heals the brokenhearted
       and binds up their wounds.


Psalm 147:6

 6 The LORD sustains the humble
       but casts the wicked to the ground.

Psalm 147:11

 11 the LORD delights in those who fear him,
       who put their hope in his unfailing love

I pray that he does this every day.  I pray that he continues to guide me and heal me daily.  I pray that he puts forgiveness in the hearts and souls of my daughters and I.  I pray that he does the same for those set upon my destruction as well. 

Ephesians 3:16-19

16  I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Although I feel this full measure of Christ’s love, I still doubt and fear.  I know that this is the darkness of the situation attempting to take over.  I know this is that darkness putting up obstacles, obstructions, and road blocks to His love.  I know this is darkness attempting to take control over me.  When I feel this way, I usually say a prayer in order to remove it from my mind.  It actually eases me.  It actually helps me become re-focused on the chore, opportunity, and issue at hand.  Sometimes it does get overwhelming.  I thank God for the blessings of family, friends, and a great attorney that re-focus me immediately. 

I am at a point where I need eyeglasses.  I was reading a review at examiner.com concerning a new company, Zenni Optical.  I was amazed that glasses are becoming more and more inexpensive.  Zenni Optical cuts out the middle man which is usually a place such as Eyemart Express.  You see many of the buy one pair, get the other pair free.  You also see buy two pair of eyeglasses for a hundred dollars.  Zenni Optical makes many of these places obsolete.  They have everything that one might need from an Optical store.  They have bifocals, polychromatic, and many other brands for less.  What makes them so inexpensive?  They manufacture the glasses in their factory.  They ship directly to you instead of making you wait an hour or even days to pick up your glasses.  They get them to you fairly quickly.

Although these glasses are made in China and sometimes take a few weeks to ship to you, you can save quite a bit of money in doing it this way.  If you are looking to save money, this is a new way to help you save money on an yearly expense that can be costly if you use a local store. 

I discovered an interesting Biblical story about an interesting woman, Queen Vashti.  She is in the Book of Esther in the Bible.  I was looking for interesting passwords.  I had been using Hebrew terms.  Since someone has installed a key logging program into my computer, changing passwords have been a constant habit.   My sister and I were looking for a new password.  I did not choose this one but it was an interesting story. 

I researched her today.  I found the story very appealing in my Biblical lessons.  I relate to this queen because like her I refuted my husband.  Like her, I have been cast aside. 

According to Wikipedia, she is a woman who refused to come to her husband's banquet because his heart was merry with wine.  He replaced her with Esther after he beheaded her as seen in the image above.  The earliest women's movement has called Queen Vashti an inspiration to women around the world. 

It is ironic where you find inspiration.  You can find this story in the first book of Esther.  It is a shame that women still are being shamed, humiliated, and betrayed when they refuse their husbands.  You can find the writings here.