I discovered an interesting Biblical story about an interesting woman, Queen Vashti.  She is in the Book of Esther in the Bible.  I was looking for interesting passwords.  I had been using Hebrew terms.  Since someone has installed a key logging program into my computer, changing passwords have been a constant habit.   My sister and I were looking for a new password.  I did not choose this one but it was an interesting story. 

I researched her today.  I found the story very appealing in my Biblical lessons.  I relate to this queen because like her I refuted my husband.  Like her, I have been cast aside. 

According to Wikipedia, she is a woman who refused to come to her husband's banquet because his heart was merry with wine.  He replaced her with Esther after he beheaded her as seen in the image above.  The earliest women's movement has called Queen Vashti an inspiration to women around the world. 

It is ironic where you find inspiration.  You can find this story in the first book of Esther.  It is a shame that women still are being shamed, humiliated, and betrayed when they refuse their husbands.  You can find the writings here.

Since my life has changed so rapidly, I do not know what is real and what is not anymore.  I have to make assumptions and move forward with what I know as the truth.  One of the many new responsibilities that I have is finding a decent car insurance company.  It does not matter where you live.  It can be anywhere.  You can find Pennsylvania insurance if you so desire.  I know that I needed quotes and I got what I needed.  You can find them yourself if you are shopping around to make sure that you are getting the cheapest insurance possible.

I have attempted to write this post several times.  My computer is acting real strange.  So pardon me as  I attempt again.  I apologize for not writing about adoption.  Although it is still an important issue to me, it is something that I can not give it my full attention.  I wish that I could.  Many of my readers know that my life has fallen into a huge tailspin.  Many of my readers are my real life friends.  I thank all of them for being there for me during this time of trial and fire. 

I mentioned spiritual strength in my last post.  I am learning to have faith when I did not think that I could find it.  I have been blessed by certain people in my life.  I can attest that God is watching over me and my children.  I can testify that he does exist.  I have to give  you a little history in my spiritual training.  I was initially introduced to various religions through out my life.  I was, however, raised Catholic.  I, like many others, strayed away from it.   My mother eventually discovered Black Gospel Churches.  I even went to one myself with her.  It was a pretty incredible experience.  You have to experience one of those churches.  The music itself is reason enough to go to one.  Being heavily influenced by music throughout my teen years, I enjoy a lively music show within a church.  It makes me want to come back.  Its how I express my rejoicing in the Lord.

When I moved back here, I was scared, paranoid, and hurt.  I was very fortunate in that I met an awesome neighbor.  She introduced my daughters and I to a church just up the road.  Evangel Temple, an Assembly of God church, has been one of the most incredible experiences for my girls and I.  I walked in and felt welcomed.  I heard the music.  I was drawn to it.  My daughters were also drawn but a little skeptical.  Having been in a church like that in the past, I told them that it was a good sign.  My oldest shook her head.  She began to enjoy the music but was laughing at me because I was dancing to it.  I was really into the music.  The preacher was a guest speaker as my preacher and his wife were in Haiti on medical mission.  No they were not looking to adopt on this mission although it is their desire.   That is a separate issue.  Its not one that I am addressing at this moment.   I am sure that we will. 

I heard the preacher for the first time by myself on the following Sunday.  This man has got to be the most inspiring man that I have had the pleasure of meeting.  The church family is one of the most caring and compassionate ones that I have seen in years.  I attended church when I initially left my husband and stayed with supposed friends.  I attended church with them for three Sundays.   My daughters did, too.  I did not get the opportunity to attend church while I was with family.  Once I came back, I found this one.

His first sermon that I heard by myself was about Haiti.  He was talking about how Haiti had been knocked down.  How many of us feel that way?  I know that I do.   He also began discussing getting up, standing up, and marching forward.   The way he presented it inspired and motivated me.  I am knocked down but I know that God doesn't want me to stay down.  I am now standing up because of this initial sermon.  

I had my daughters the following weekend.  We had fun but we still went to church.  It opened up with an awesome music show with the Pastor's wife leading in song.  She has really got a great voice.  I am very impressed.  Her voice gives me goosebumps.  My daughters participated more this time.  They even made a commitment to be saved as I did the weekend before.  That week's sermon was a variation of the previous one.  Again we have to get up.  This time, we sometimes have to go back in order for us to move forward.  The trip may not be easy.  God does not guarantee easy.  He guarantees that he walks with you and helps you through it.  Sometimes it is cruel, excruciating, and hard.  I know because I am walking that road now.  He promises his blessings as you go through it.  It may seem dark but there is light at the end of this.  For me, I am seeing light. 

I recently went to an Equip class.  This type of class is special in that it helps you develop your weak areas in to strength.  One of my areas of strength has been adoption.  I find myself using symbolism in my ever changing life.  I find myself using adoption as a source of strength instead of weakness.  I believe that both of my mothers have instilled all of their strength in me.   I believe that all of three of my fathers are doing the same.  One if not two of them are standing guard over my daughters and I.  I believe that my grandmother and a family friend are standing guard over my daughters.  They are the warring angels protecting us.  I can see my grandmother's arms gently wrapped around my daughters in love while my fathers and Edgar are standing guard.   It is that image along with Jesus watching over my girls with gentle love and adoration that brings great healing to my heart and soul. 

Last Sunday night, I got to hear Jamie Englehart speak.  If you have not heard of him, he is a wow kind of prophet.  I admit that I am skeptical when someone is called a prophet.  This man speaks in a way that makes you stop and think.   He made me think big time.  I had several epiphanies while listening to him.  This does not happen to me.  I am not someone who is deeply religious.  I am now because of these people have a deeper faith in Christ and our Lord.  I am passing this on to my daughters.  Faith is what gets us through our darkest hours.  I am in my darkest hour.  Alanon and Alcoholics Anonymous helped me years ago.  I now need something more.  A recent adoptee friend told me this.  I believe that he is right. 

The Equip class that I chose to attend is called DivorceCare.  It is a journey about the relearning of one's sense of self.  Adoption did a lot of that for me.  God, however, wants me to take it further.  He wants me to know me as He sees me.  Since I joined this class in its fifth week, the topic was about loneliness while going through a divorce.  I have chosen not to be involved with a member of the opposite sex.    I have male friends yes.  Those male friends go back way back into my past.  They have all told me that it is time to return to the Amy that they knew.  I still have to deal with the issues at hand. 

My first biblical verses concerned the betrayal of Jesus.  I have said in recent months that Jesus is the only one who understands how deep my betrayal goes.  Like him, I saw mine coming as well.  I just never figured that it would run this deep.  The first verse that was mentioned in the workbook is Matthew 26:47-50.

Jesus Arrested

 ⁴⁷While he was still speaking, Judas, one of the Twelve, arrived. With him was a large crowd armed with swords and clubs, sent from the chief priests and the elders of the people. ⁴⁸Now the betrayer had arranged a signal with them: "The one I kiss is the man; arrest him." ⁴⁹Going at once to Jesus, Judas said, "Greetings, Rabbi!" and kissed him.  ⁵⁰Jesus replied, "Friend, do what you came for."

I can fully understand what he felt.  I saw this as well in my own life.  I felt the shame, humiliation, and the betrayal.  If Jesus felt like I did, I can also include crushed in this as well.  I wonder if he viewed his situation as utterly insane as I view mine.  

The next verse that the workbook asks about is Matthew 26:69-75.

Peter Disowns Jesus

 ⁶⁹Now Peter was sitting out in the courtyard, and a servant girl came to him. "You also were with Jesus of Galilee," she said.

 ⁷⁰But he denied it before them all. "I don't know what you're talking about," he said.

 ⁷¹Then he went out to the gateway, where another girl saw him and said to the people there, "This fellow was with Jesus of Nazareth."

 ⁷²He denied it again, with an oath: "I don't know the man!"

 ⁷³After a little while, those standing there went up to Peter and said, "Surely you are one of them, for your accent gives you away."

 ⁷⁴Then he began to call down curses on himself and he swore to them, "I don't know the man!"

   Immediately a rooster crowed. ⁷⁵Then Peter remembered the word Jesus had spoken: "Before the rooster crows, you will disown me three times." And he went outside and wept bitterly.

Like Jesus again, I was disowned by supposed friends.  I was denied by supposed friends.  That betrayal runs deep not just for me but for both of my daughters.  In fact, one was humiliated over it again by her father.  She stood up for me.  I am proud of her.  I saddened that her father did not honor her wishes.

The next verse was Matthew 27:45-46.

The Death of Jesus

 ⁴⁵From the sixth hour until the ninth hour darkness came over all the land. ⁴⁶About the ninth hour Jesus cried out in a loud voice, "Eloi, Eloi,^[a] lama sabachthani?"—which means, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"^[b]

I understand this one the most.  I have felt that.  I realize though that I have not been forsaken.  My God has been standing by my side if not carrying me through this.  I only see one set of footprints in the sand.  They are not my daughters or mine.  Like Jesus, it was my darkest hour but the light began to shine on me once I turned to Him.   He is the only one who can heal me.  He is the only one who can love me as I am worthy of.  He is the one that created me in beauty and love.  I now believe it. 

The final verse is Isaiah 43:2-3.

 ² When you pass through the waters,
       I will be with you;
       and when you pass through the rivers,
       they will not sweep over you.
       When you walk through the fire,
       you will not be burned;
       the flames will not set you ablaze.

 ³ For I am the LORD, your God,
       the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
       I give Egypt for your ransom,
       Cush ^[a] and Seba in your stead.

This is when I knew that I was no longer alone.  I knew that I was strong enough to withstand this cruel storm with its emotional tornadoes.  I knew that I would eventually heal with God's love and time.  

I know that some very spiritual friends will read this and be rejoicing for me.  That I finally understand.  I appreciate all that adoption, Alanon, and even Alcoholics Anonymous has taught me.  It is time for me to develop what God wants for me.  It is time for me to learn to be single which means separate, unique, and whole.  According to Dr. Myles Munroe, "singleness is something that should be pursued, not avoided.  Most people become married in an attempt to become single (separate, unique, whole)."  That tells me that I need to develop my identity.  It means that I must regain my independence, my spirit, and my strength as God has planned for me.   I have been avoiding new relationships.  I tell God my feelings.  I link up with other Christian minded people especially women.  Same sex friends provide stability and strength for someone like me.   I find people who need my help.   These are positive ways to improve me.  I am putting these into practice every day. 

So be patient with me folks as I get back to who I once was and who God wants me to be.  You all will be rejoicing at that time as well whether or not you are believers.   You will see what my old friends of the past saw.   I will be back full force in adoption because God does want truth and justice for us adoptees, birth parents, and adoptive parents.  I will be one of those helping them get it. 

I am sorry that I have not kept this blog updated.  I have had very serious issues that require my full attention.  If I allow myself to be distracted for a second, I will be blindsided in another unimaginable manner.  This blog post is about strength.  I am talking about all types of strength, emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual strength.

Most of my readers and friends know that I am in the middle of the a highly contentious divorce.  One would think that this situation involved millions of dollars but sadly it just involves a poor cowboy and his wife.  I am having to think so far outside of the box that it boggles even my mind.  One friend has called it, As the World Turns, Burt Style.  I have even mentioned that there needs to be an ex wives club that is exclusive to my husband alone.  I am wife number five.  I admit that I was not the sharpest tool in the shed when it came to my choice of a life partner.  Like the women before and the woman after me, I believed that I could love away the pain that he has faced.  I can say this much.  There will never be another woman that loved him as much as I did.   He will never have another woman that gave as completely as I did.   With that said, this article is about strength. 

So what do you think is strength?  You can be physically strong in which you can move furniture, lift weights, and other such feats of physical strength.  Mental strength can mean many things as well.  It can mean the mental capacity to figure out a situation whether it be a Math situation, a literature reading assignment, and other things.  For me it means the ability to handle any situation with fortitude.  I have learned that I have that fortitude.  I did not think that I still had it in me.  I guess with all that I have experienced in this lifetime of mine that I have had it for a long time.  Emotional strength is another one.  Everyone knows that I have been put through the ringer.  Spiritual strength is a new concept for me.  I am learning to rely on new resources. 

So many times after a relationship breakup, people seek new ones to replace that one.  It is sometimes called the go between person.  Those relationships never work.  I know because I have dealt with those situations.  I have long learned for myself that it is better to take time to heal emotionally, mentally and spiritually before beginning any new relationship.  I take the time to grieve.  It is not fair to any new individual that comes along to do this because hurt is the only thing that results.    I find myself doing that even more so now.  Although I have male friends, I surround myself with strong and empowering women.  I found one such woman from my church who happens to be my neighbor.  I also have female friends who have helped a great deal too.  I have also learned that both my birth mother and adoptive mother gave me their strength and fortitude.  I would not be where I am at without them.  If I want to pray with someone, I want another woman sitting beside me.  A man's intention with a divorcing woman is not as pure as that of a woman.  Men often view such women in a very manipulative manner.  Its one thing to pray for a woman but praying with a divorcing woman feels odd to me.  Its one thing when it is a  preacher but something completely different with someone else.  I hope you can understand that difference.   I do not want to seek out another relationship.  I want to heal first because the next relationship is someone that I will want to give myself completely to.  I do not want to be mourning a relationship.  As far as I see it, I am involved with my God.  He will love and heal my wounded soul, body and mind.

I have encountered many of the men folk that have watched me grow.  They have also helped me grow.  Fritz who is now the family mechanic because of one of my accidents checked out my father's car for me before I left San Marcos recently.   We covered a great deal of history while he was doing that.  He was surprised to see me.  I met him through an old boyfriend who has long since moved on and I hope he is doing great things.  We even talked about Victor for a moment or two.  I told him what was going on.  I paid our bill with him with a hug.  That was all he said that I owed him.  Fritz was the mechanic who I often called if I had an issue with a car.  I could count on him to explain what to do with awesome detail. 

My second adoptive father who is and will forever be my Daddy is another person who taught me strength.  He pushed me beyond my limitations.  He died seven years ago.  I now have the last car that he drove.  I feel his presence in my car protecting me.  I was rummaging through his remaining things.  I found his golf bags, his golf shoes, and several golf balls.  I also found a certificate of some kind of training in his brief case.  I also discovered a box of tools.  I know that he would want me to have them.  He knows that I will put them to good use.  I also found his old business cards.  I am getting a little teary eyed thinking of him.  He taught me how to change the oil, a tire, and make small repairs on a car.  He taught me perseverance.  I think back on several others.  I can only say humbly, thank you for all that you have done for me.  Even the worst postmaster in USPS history taught me some things.  I know that they are all proud of me.  Heck I am even learning to be proud of what I have done in recent weeks.  I moved back to an area that is openly hostile to me.  It is a situation that will lead to continued humiliation, betrayal, and hurt.  I know that I will rise above it.  I hope to teach my daughters the same lesson.  That is just who I am.  I am lucky in that I am surrounding myself with positive, uplifting, and safe people. 

I have another group of people to thank.  I have thanked my mothers.  I need to openly thank my sisters.  They have helped me in ways that I did not think were possible.  I am trying very hard to pass that lesson onto my daughters.  Sisters have a special bond.  One sister gave my daughters and I her home when I needed it.  My mother let me cry my heart out when I needed it.  One of my sisters took out loans to pay for the things that she bought my daughters.  Another sister did the same thing.  I have what I have because of the love that we share.  I have furnishings because of my mother and sisters gave of themselves.  I will forever be eternally grateful for those things.  I will be forever grateful for what my family has done for me.  My first adoptive father has also helped me out as well.  Because of his advice, I am able to further empower myself.  There are others who need mentioning too but they know who they are. 

Thank you all that have been supportive, loving, kind, and generous to me.  You have no idea what this all means to me.  I am humbled by your gestures.  I thank God above for the blessings that you have given me.  I say a special prayer of thanks for the gifts that you have given me.

At first I was afraid I was petrified
Kept thinkin' I could never live without you by my side;
But then I spent so many nights
Thinkin' how you did me wrong
And I grew strong and I learned how to get along
And now you're back from outer space
I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed that stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I'd've known for just one second you'd back to bother me
Go on now, go walk out the door
Just turn around now
('cause) you're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
Did I crumble
Did you think I'd lay down and die?
Oh no, not.I. I will survive
Oh as long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive;
I've got all my life to live,
I've got all my love to give and I'll survive,
I will survive. Hey hey.
It took all the strength I had not to fall apart
Kept trying' hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart,
And I spent oh so many nights
Just feeling sorry for myself. I used to cry
But now I hold my head up high
And you see me somebody new
I'm not that chained up little girl who's still in love with you,
And so you feel like droppin' in
And just expect me to be free,
Now I'm savin' all my lovin' for someone who's lovin' me
Go on now.. etc.

I was raised listening to this woman. All women should pay head to her music. Here are her lyrics:

I Am Woman

-Artist: Helen Reddy from "Helen Reddy's Greatest Hits": EMI ST 11467
-peak Billboard position # 1 for 1 week in 1972
-Words and Music by Helen Reddy and Ray Burton


I am woman, hear me roar
In numbers too big to ignore
And I know too much to go back an' pretend
'cause I've heard it all before
And I've been down there on the floor
No one's ever gonna keep me down again

CHORUS
Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman

You can bend but never break me
'cause it only serves to make me
More determined to achieve my final goal
And I come back even stronger
Not a novice any longer
'cause you've deepened the conviction in my soul

CHORUS

I am woman watch me grow
See me standing toe to toe
As I spread my lovin' arms across the land
But I'm still an embryo
With a long long way to go
Until I make my brother understand

Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to I can face anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman
Oh, I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong

FADE
I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong
I am woman

I love this song. I have loved it since it first came out. It has a good beat. It has awesome lyrics. I feel empowered by this song. I know it sounds crazy but its the truth. I feel like dancing when I hear the song. I used to jam to it in my car. They don't play it as much any more.

A new group has come up on my radar.  I am thrilled that such a group exists.  I had only met a few of us online.   I know many adoptees but the combination of veteran and adoptees are a little more hard to find.  I am one of those.  I have fought for my country in Desert Storm.  I am also an adoptee.  This group addresses those particular issues.  I as an American citizen who has done her civic duty as such is having her rights violated by the adoption industry and the states.