As I said in the last few posts, I have been seeking someone stronger than me to help through the most freakish nightmare that any human being can face.  I know that this will increase my strength tenfold.  I knew that I was a strong person before I began this journey.  I just did not know how strong.  I would not wish this on any enemy or human being for the life of me.  If I knew that it was going on for someone else including that enemy, I would pray for that person immediately.  I would be very supportive of that person.  I would show them the path to God’s love and healing.  It can happen even to the most unwilling.  

I never expected this kind of situation to really happen.  I did not know the depths of anger, pain, resentment, bitterness (In fact, this kind of situation makes the bitterness of both birthparents and adoptees look lame in comparison), meanness, vindictiveness, cruelty, and freakish behavior existed on this kind of level.  

I have spoken with a few divorced friends.  Only one person has seen this kind of situation.  Even his situation isn’t as weird as mine.  His situation was pretty bizarre.  As I said, my situation has been referred to as The World Turns or a great soap opera.  

I have been using a program through my church to help me heal and recover who I am as a Christian, wife, mother, daughter, and sister.  I think this is all part of God’s plan for me.  I know that my blog has turned deeply religious but I do not claim to religious.  I claim to be spiritual.  I seek a true friendship with God and His Son, Jesus.  

Many of my daily work on myself includes verses in the Bible.  I write on here what those verses are and how I feel about them.  I write my darkest and deepest emotional feelings in the workbook itself which is kept safely locked up.  I discuss those feelings within the group that I am involved with.  I discuss those feelings with others who have walked a mile in my steps.  

Day Four in this workbook of Divorce Care:

My situation is unique in that I had to leave.  I was asked to do so by my daughter.  She could not handle the stress of the home situation.  I still feel left.  I feel abandoned and kicked to the curb.  As I write this, I know that I am being mocked, humiliated, and betrayed over and over again.  This next verse is about how well God knows me and my situation.  

Psalm 139:1-10

O LORD, you have searched me
       and you know me.
 2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
       you perceive my thoughts from afar.
 3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
       you are familiar with all my ways.
 4 Before a word is on my tongue
       you know it completely, O LORD.
 5 You hem me in—behind and before;
       you have laid your hand upon me.
 6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
       too lofty for me to attain.
 7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
       Where can I flee from your presence?
 8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
       if I make my bed in the depths,
 9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
       if I settle on the far side of the sea,
 10 even there your hand will guide me,
       your right hand will hold me fast.

This verse tells me that no matter what I do that the Lord knows everything.  He feels all that I feel.  He sees what is being done to me and my girls.  It tells me that I and no one else can hide from Him.  He knows all.  He is omnipresent in all of our lives especially when we allow him into our lives.  That gives me comfort.  I take comfort in the book of Psalm.  I was told years ago that it is a book about love and passion.  It is a book that completely understands what love really means.  Many people do not believe that love like that exists in the Bible.  I know better.  God understands all things human.  He forgives us when we feel out of control.