One would think that living in the United States entitles one to a certain amount of privacy.  As an American in this country, I can guarantee you that you no longer have that right.  No birthparent, adoptee, or adoptive parent has that right.  No soldier, every day joe, or the common American has the right to privacy.  Anything can and will be used against you in any court of law.  Once an individual realizes that, that person feels vulnerable, naked, and raw.  It makes you paranoid that you are being watched at any given moment.  Sadly I know that I am but I am actually learning to live within those kinds of confinement.    I don't do anything really exciting or thrilling anyway.  My only goal in this life is to be the best mother in the world to my daughters.  I want them proud of me.  I may confront people on stuff but realize that I have been pushed to limits that no normal human being should ever be pushed to.  Nothing anyone in the past has totally prepared me for it.  As an adoptee, I thought that I faced every imaginable pain out there.  As a soldier, the same thing.  As a former letter carrier, same thing.  These jobs prepared me somewhat but nothing in my life prepared me for what I am facing now.

We as Americans do have some guarantees under the United States Privacy Act but there are still people out there who do things that violate your rights.  It isn't birth certificate issues.  My current life experiences have taught me that no one has privacy.  No one is protected especially with the internet.  You can hide all you want but you will still be found out.  There is someone out there always watching what you do.  I can tell you that it is NOT always Big Brother.   

I watched a part of a Lifetime Movie called Web of Desire.  I understood the utter fear of the female character.  I understood the lack of privacy that she felt.  I have a commenter who often thinks that I am talking about her when I talk about this kind of stalking.  I also have another person who has harassed me in the past.  I wish to God at this time in my life that I was.  Unfortunately they are not the scary monsters as they would like to be.   I wish my life could be so simple.  Sorry guys, no matter how mad I made you, you are not capable of this kind of act.  You may think you are but no, you are not that totally heartless, cold, and mean.  Sadly what they do not realize is that this could be turned on them.  Even though they may have spooked me in the past, I would not wish this on them EVER.

One of the many things that I am learning is to let go of things.  I am learning not to get too cocky.  You can try to out think a situation but you are not always totally prepared.  You can not out argue anyone else.  There will always be some point that you have missed.    I no longer have a need to be cocky about adoption.  I know it inside and out.  It will be there when my life finally returns to normalcy.  I hope at that time to be free to do anything, see anything, and go anywhere.  The warriors who taught me will be there to welcome me back when the time comes.  It is those same warriors that have taught me well.

I went to my weekly meeting at the Church on Wednesday.  My girls both got to enjoy both of their classes.  My class was on marriage and what the Bible says on it.  I knew this particular class would be tough.  I knew that I would have to look at myself.  Bad thing when you have someone blaming you for everything, you tend to look at yourself without the rose colored glasses.  As I have looked at my situation, I see my actions more as cause and effect.  My actions were reactions.  I have been doing that constantly.  You look at your reactions.  I spoke with a long time friend and former boyfriend for a bit today.  I was telling him that I wanted to own my part in the demise in my relationship.   Unless you have witnessed my relationship, you really do not have a clue as to what it was like.  Most people think that I am crazy but more and more folks are realizing that I am not.   This particular class talked about the "guilty" party and the "innocent" party.    The bad thing is that each one of us has a part where we are both "guilty" and "innocent."  Even if it is 98% innocent,  God still wants us to own the 2%  of the guilty.  I want to own that 2%. 

In Malachi 2:16, God states he hates divorce.  There is no ifs, ands, or buts about it.  He hates divorce.  There are only two areas where one can get divorced.  One is adultery.  The other is non belief in God.  Its very explicit in its definitions of divorce.  "We just don't love each other anymore, mutual incompatibility, and I am in love with another married woman"  are just not valid reasons to get divorced in God's eyes.  I find interesting that although one may have a right to biblical divorce, we have a responsibility to God to seek forgiveness and reconciliation.   I was faced with that thought.  God also says to forgive not just seven times but 77 times.   I will forgive in time but reconciliation is whole another ballgame that I am not sure that I want to do.  I do, however, want to listen to God on what his plans are for me. One of the things that God tells us in the bible under 2 Corinthians 5:17-21 is to attempt to heal the marriage.  Alrighty then, how do you heal something that where one individual is involved with another person who is doing the same thing?   In fact, it is my responsibility to do so.  Wow, how do I do that?  Is God going to provide a situation where I can?  That needs massive amount of prayer.    Dr. Craig Keener said that divorce always involves sin but divorce does not always involved the sin of both parties.  I think that is because everyone wants to blame someone. This is especially true of my situation. I learned at an early age that we are all responsible for our actions.  We have to take ownership of those actions.   My natural inclination is to understand those actions so that I do not repeat them.  I don't want to get married five or even six times.  Heck I am not even sure that I want to get married a second time right now.  Relationships are a little off for me right now.  I just do not want to go there for a long while.  I rather play it smart than a fool again.  I have played a fool for a long time. 

Day One of my writings is about who wrote the owner's manual of life. 

2 Timothy 3:16-17

All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, ¹⁷so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.

This means that the Holy Scripture is God inspired.  It equips us to live our lives as God intended, not as man intended.  Sometimes we just need to shut up for a while and listen to what the Man upstairs has to say. 

The next verse that I am required to read and write about is the following:

Psalm 119:11

I have hidden your word in my heart
       that I might not sin against you.

This tells us to put the "Word" of God in our heart to prevent us from sinning again once we have turned to him. 

One of the things that I am learning when things feel crazy is to stop and pray about it.  I find myself praying several times a day.  I find myself letting God handle the situation.  When one door shuts, I pray and ask God to open another one for me.  Its difficult when it seems all in my world has lost direction and spinning recklessly out of control.  I get told to remember that I was once a person who was weakened and beaten down.  I hate to watch another woman go through what I went through.  I know by a long shot that I am much stronger than her.   My life experiences have taught me that past, present, and even future ones.  I will not be ruled by any one else other than God.  I have been told that by an individual that he will break me.  I have to laugh at that expression because it was told to me eight or nine years ago.  I also have to say greater men and women have tried and failed miserably.  I am reminded of an expression of another loved individual:  No man, woman, child, or reptile will every break me.   He always used to say that  and I was befuddled but now I know what he means. 

Although I am walking through out of control burning flames, I am not getting burned.  I am being watched and blessed each moment.  I am grateful for that one.