Abandonment is a core issue for adoptees.  I wanted to address this issue because it is a topic that is being addressed in my new relationship.   We are facing it head on instead of beating around the bush like I did with my ex husband.  I am addressing these issues in a manner that frees me from them instead of having them lock me up as they have done in the past.  

Today I am feeling agitation.  When I feel that feeling, it means that I need to face something that I am fighting not just with myself but with God as well.

One of the many issues and things that I am noticing in many adoptee writings these days is that abandonment brings out the anger in them.  I do understand it.  I have been there.  For those that do not know the full story behind me, you can read  about it in various other blog posts.  I was an adoptee who was denied contact.  Here it is years later.  I have found peace in it.  Recently someone tried to hurt me with this little fact by saying that my birthmother is fearful of me.  I have to disagree that she is.  It is really pathetic that she would try this tactic with me.  Funny thing is the ranch and my ex have given me all the letters and will continue to do so.

My situation for the last year has brought out every fear.  My situation has forced me to look at those issues in a new light. It has forced me to look at every fear in a fierce, harsh light.  Are they realistic?  Are they valid?  Are they fears that are based in past experiences?  Can they be faced?  Can they be put to rest?  The answers that I am getting is a resounding yes.  

An example is heights for me.  Up until several years ago, I was not afraid of heights.  I rolled a family pickup where I flipped it three and half times.  My daughters and I walked away from that accident amazingly unharmed.  In exchange for that well being, I gained a fear.  I applied for a job that requires me to get over my fear.  I was lucky with my training.  It was a controlled environment where I was safe and protected.    I ended up working with a bunch of guys who had the same fear along with a supervisor and a trainer that gently encouraged me.  I felt safe that in that if my fear controlled me, they would help me out of the situation.  When I climbed up that ladder, my fear was still there but it was lessoned.  The second time that I climbed the ladder, that fear was gone.  I even went up a third time.   It was gone.  Occasionally it rears its ugly head but I face it with ease and confidence.   I have climbed a ladder so many times now that it is becoming second nature to me.

Through out my marriage, I felt the fear of abandonment.    It was a controlling feeling.  Key word in that sentence is “was.”  I know what I want from my relationship now.   I know that I don’t want that fear to control me.  I have found myself expressing my feelings now instead of letting them brew inside of me for years.  I want to face the issues now.  If I get mad, I express in a healthy manner and to the point so that it is not rehashed many  years later.  

I also have a huge fear that my daughters will get hurt.  Sometimes I just have to have faith.  A perfect example was last night.  My youngest daughter called me.  I heard her father in the background, screaming.  Yes I said screaming.  That alone frightened me.  I wanted to race in and rescue both of my daughters.  I finally had to get off the phone because I knew that I could not take it.  My youngest daughter spent the last month and half not having to deal with someone screaming or fighting.  I took her and picked her up at the local boys and girls club.  She had fun playing all day.  She came home with a tired Mom but she did not have to deal with someone screaming at her for whatever reason.  

Abandonment does not equal letting go.  The hardest part for all of this with me is sometimes I have to let go of girls.  I pray that God keeps them safe out of harm’s way.  I pray that my Dad, Edgar and my grandmother are up there watching over them being the guardian angels that God intended them to be.   It is a natural response to want to control the environment of my daughters but I can’t due to someone’s vindictiveness and bitterness.  I have to tell my daughters that I can not help them.  They have to fend for themselves at their father’s home.  There has been times when I have told the girls to go to the girlfriend.  Maybe she can get him to open his eyes.  Sometimes it works and other times it doesn’t.  

I am learning to think outside the box.  I can thank God, cable, my family, and friends.