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Tick Tock

2010-03-13T18:35:00Z

I grew up around clocks. All kinds of clocks were in my home. We had mantel clocks. We had grandfather clocks. We had digital clocks. I have many memories of those going off at all hours of the night. It provided comfort and peace to me. I remember these sounds with fondness and nostalgia. I have always been a night owl. You could not tell that from the last six months. I am up at six in the morning whether or not I need to be so. It is just the issues that I am dealing with that will not allow me to sleep as before.

I remember staying up until three or four in the morning. I remember hearing those clocks go off with their many chimes. I remember one wall clock in particular. I would usually hear my father come down the hall. He would look up at me and shake his head. He always had to be at work early in the morning. I still have his picture hanging on my wall. I am now driving his car. I drink out of his old coffee mugs. That keep me in touch with a man who was tough, loyal, strong, and an excellent teacher. Those clocks remind me of him. They remind me that he is still there for me. It is funny how those clock sounds make me think of him. Those sounds still remind me of all that he did for me when he was alive and even now that he is passed into God’s Army of Love.

Giving Advice

2010-03-13T18:25:00Z

I know that my blog has gone a little off course. I am straying away from adoption. I am straying away from the day to day life stuff. I really do not have much to say except that I am surviving one moment at a time. I am living each moment right now. I do my best to keep my head above water. I do my best to just be. I have some entertainment as I moved forward. I spend every waking moment improving my quality of life. I spend every waking moment looking for a decent paying job. I want to provide for my daughters in the best way that I know how. I seek guidance from folks that are from all walks of life. I constantly research and document everything. I actively work to improve life for my daughters and I. It keeps me extremely busy.

I guess I need to research some more about adoption again. It is the one thing that has given me purpose. I am going to return to it. I have some thoughts on a current battle between two groups. It is splintering the groups that should be unified and not separate. United we stand and divided we fall. When we attack one another, we fall apart.

Trust me in time, I will be back on course. I will be back stronger and better than ever before. This time, I will have the blessings of a mighty and powerful God to back me. In His love, I can do anything. In His love, my daughters can conquer the world.

Vitamins

2010-03-13T18:05:00Z

I have been resorting to vitamins to keep me healthy. It helps absorb the incredible stress levels that I have been dealing with. I have decided also to give my daughters vitamins to help reduce their stress levels as well. I hope to have my daughters back up to par by the time they go back to their father. I have lots of fruit, vegetables and other healthy goodies to help restore their bodies. Because this is a stressful situation, I have begun losing more weight. I do look good but I do not want to lose any more weight. Eating healthy has become important to me.

I was overweight a couple of years ago. I had done some reading on types of vitamins concerning that issue. One can find vitamins and herbal supplements on just about everything. I even found bariatric vitamins. I actually consider it but stress managed to take over my life. I began to cease eating as much. I began not taking good care of myself. Stress and heartache have a way of doing that to people. Vitamins are an important way for your body to manage stress of any kind. I believe that vitamins can improve the very quality of one’s life.

Looking Up

2010-03-13T18:04:00Z

Today will be a great day. The weather is sunshiny and fair. It will be decently warm today. I hope to spend a great deal of time with my daughters today. I know that it does not seem like it right now but I want to make my financial future a little bit more secure. I intend to begin blogging more and more often. If the ads make you feel uncomfortable, I apologize but remember it is to secure my financial future for my daughters and I. It will bring in additional income for me to be able to spend on them. I have darkness fighting to conspire against me. It sometimes feels like it that is a battle over the lives of my daughters and I. I keep my faith growing. I keep it strong. I do my best not to let it creep into my life. When I feel it doing so, I get down on bended knee and pray. I then begin to feel hope and strength seep into my soul and heart.

I look forward to having a joyous week with both of my girls. We will spend a great deal of time with the Church, library, the base, and many other activities. I hope that we can have a fun filled week and weekend. I hope that by listening and reading to my words that I pass on God’s love and hope to another person who is just like me. I hope that I give them the kindness, love, support, and hope that I have been given by attending Evangel Temple and listening to Pastor Kyle and his wife. They place the fire in my heart. They give me hope.

I do not want to offend anyone about this new side to me. I just want to give back what has been given to me. I have been given hope, blessings, love, compassion, strength, and a new kind of family. Although my family feels destroyed, I am helping my daughters and I build one that is based on solid ground. It will make us stronger, happier, and healthier individuals.

I hope and pray that God lifts me from my darkest hour. I hope and pray that God removes the pain, heartache, and anger from the souls of my daughters and I. I hope and pray that God heals my body from it’s issues. I pray and hope that God puts forgiveness in my soul for those that have hurt me. I pray and hope that those set upon my destruction see the damage done to my daughters and I. I pray and hope that God heals them from their anger, pain, vindictiveness, resentments, meanness, bitterness, coldness, unforgiving and unkind ways. I pray that these people also see the error of their ways. I pray that these folks stop the darkness in their souls. These are things that I pray for everyday of my life right now. I pray that God continues to guide, love, protect, and heal my friends and family as well. I pray that God watches out for our soldiers here in the United States and across the world. I even pray that my enemies seek the Lord in their actions.

I know that these sounds goofy but believe me, this works. I testify to God’s healing love. I praise, worship, and glorify Him at this time. I hope that I am the good Christian that I need to be.

Protecting Your Resources

2010-03-13T17:39:00Z

Starting a new business is usually an expensive adventure. It is a venture that requires time, money, and other resources. In today’s economy, many of us just do not have those kinds of funds and resources. It requires that we go above and beyond the call of duty. It requires that we research the best possible solutions for our business adventures. We look for the cheapest way to buy products for our business. We look for the best possible way to advertise our companies. We need to get out and socialize with people. We need business cards to spread the word about our new business. There are many companies that can assist you but not all of these companies are economical and effective for the common every day person. This is where research comes into play. You research those companies that offer cheap business cards. You listen to word of mouth of customers of these types of businesses. You read up on the Better Business Bureau on the ethical companies. You read the Rip Off reports on these individuals. Research is your best resource tool in order to help you succeed at your business. It also helps protect you, your business, and your financial resources in the long run.

Finding Peace and Passion in the Word

2010-03-13T17:16:00Z

As I said in the last few posts, I have been seeking someone stronger than me to help through the most freakish nightmare that any human being can face. I know that this will increase my strength tenfold. I knew that I was a strong person before I began this journey. I just did not know how strong. I would not wish this on any enemy or human being for the life of me. If I knew that it was going on for someone else including that enemy, I would pray for that person immediately. I would be very supportive of that person. I would show them the path to God’s love and healing. It can happen even to the most unwilling.

I never expected this kind of situation to really happen. I did not know the depths of anger, pain, resentment, bitterness (In fact, this kind of situation makes the bitterness of both birthparents and adoptees look lame in comparison), meanness, vindictiveness, cruelty, and freakish behavior existed on this kind of level.

I have spoken with a few divorced friends. Only one person has seen this kind of situation. Even his situation isn’t as weird as mine. His situation was pretty bizarre. As I said, my situation has been referred to as The World Turns or a great soap opera.

I have been using a program through my church to help me heal and recover who I am as a Christian, wife, mother, daughter, and sister. I think this is all part of God’s plan for me. I know that my blog has turned deeply religious but I do not claim to religious. I claim to be spiritual. I seek a true friendship with God and His Son, Jesus.

Many of my daily work on myself includes verses in the Bible. I write on here what those verses are and how I feel about them. I write my darkest and deepest emotional feelings in the workbook itself which is kept safely locked up. I discuss those feelings within the group that I am involved with. I discuss those feelings with others who have walked a mile in my steps.

Day Four in this workbook of Divorce Care:

My situation is unique in that I had to leave. I was asked to do so by my daughter. She could not handle the stress of the home situation. I still feel left. I feel abandoned and kicked to the curb. As I write this, I know that I am being mocked, humiliated, and betrayed over and over again. This next verse is about how well God knows me and my situation.

Psalm 139:1-10

O LORD, you have searched me
       and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
       you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
       you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
       you know it completely, O LORD.
5 You hem me in—behind and before;
       you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
       too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
       Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
       if I make my bed in the depths,
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
       if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
       your right hand will hold me fast.

This verse tells me that no matter what I do that the Lord knows everything. He feels all that I feel. He sees what is being done to me and my girls. It tells me that I and no one else can hide from Him. He knows all. He is omnipresent in all of our lives especially when we allow him into our lives. That gives me comfort. I take comfort in the book of Psalm. I was told years ago that it is a book about love and passion. It is a book that completely understands what love really means. Many people do not believe that love like that exists in the Bible. I know better. God understands all things human. He forgives us when we feel out of control.

Making Bets on Life

2010-03-13T16:52:00Z

Are you a betting kind of person? Most of the time, I am not because taking those kinds of risks scare me. I usually like to weigh my options carefully. I do so very carefully. I research my subject at hand. I make an informed decision no matter what I do. It sometimes is very hard to do when you can not ferret out that solid information. It takes a great deal of time when I do not have all the time in the world to do so.

Would you make a sport bet on anything these days? Would you make one on a game, a race, a rodeo, or any other similar type of situation? I know that I am extremely careful on what I bet on these days. I do not have the money, time, and resources to do this kind of thing. I doubt many folks have that kind of money to do so. I do not even take a chance on the Texas Lottery these days either. I would love to be the one to win millions of dollars in a lottery. I would love to be able to put my situation so far behind me.

Seeking Spiritual Guidance

2010-03-13T16:14:00Z

My life’s situation keeps twisting and blowing hard around me. I would not wish this on my worst enemy. I have had enemies. My story is a harsh and cold one. I do not dare tell others the truth because it is just too hard for them to believe. They have to be an actual witness to this cruelty. Many folks think that I exaggerate. When they actually witness my situation, they are often shocked and call those set upon my destruction sick and mental. Each day though I practice and live God’s will for me. It is sometimes a battle because I do get scared and let that fear consume me. I also let anger take over me. Fear when unexpressed and repressed often turns to anger. I have learned through the years to manage my anger in forms of writing. Sometimes this anger that I feel now can not be managed by writing. It has slowly come to be manageable because I have been praying as much as I can. I have been hitting the church aisle as much as I can. I attend classes put out by Divorce Care. It is a thirteen week course. I started in week 5. As I am doing the book work on this, I will be writing about it as I go along. I have to wonder if I am now considered a widow according to the Bible. One really wonders about the kind of thinking in those times. I do not doubt God’s love for me nor His words. I just wonder what I would be in those times.

I have enclosed two days of writing down quick thoughts as I work this book put out by Divorce Care. The questions involved in this exercises are the following:

Does anyone understand how lonely I am?
The loneliness of unraveled families
Filling my void.

I do all of these exercises while reading the prescribed verses which are listed below. I do this to begin my healing. I do this to begin my journey to being whole, unique and single. I do this to return to myself, my identity, and to my life.

Psalm 68:6

God sets the lonely in families,
he leads forth the prisoners with singing;
but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land

This verse refers to the Church family along with family and friends. God is setting me not only in a Church family but also with good solid female friends who are strong in His love and support.

Psalm 27:10

Though my father and mother forsake me,
       the LORD will receive me.

I do believe that He will give me comfort, love, joy, and acceptance. I believe that only He can give me this at this time. Its not that I do not believe in humanity but it is because the Lord has not ever let me down. He has seen me through many a rough night. Although there were times that I doubted Him, I do not any longer. I doubted him because I lived in darkness for the last six to seven years. What scares me even more is that darkness is now reflected in my children’s actions and lives. I believe however that he can heal that darkness, pain, loss, and suffering. I constantly pray for it.

Psalm 68:5

A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows,
       is God in his holy dwelling.

I find this particularly interesting because adoptees have used this when answering the Christian call to adopt bloggers. Yes I do feel that he is a father to me as I too have been fatherless through relinquishment, adoption, and divorce. He has defended both of my mothers on many occasions. I know this is true because of my mother’s deep abiding faith in God. He has given my daughters and I a home when we have none. He gives up a place to bow our heads with relief, comfort, and love. I claim this promise with my heart and soul.

James 4:8

Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded.

God is asking me to own my responsibility in the demise of the marriage. I have done several looks into my marriage. I have done so with various reading materials. I have confessed to him what I have done. He is the only one who can forgive those for me. He loves and forgives me of those. He will then draw me close.

Psalm 147:3

3 He heals the brokenhearted
       and binds up their wounds.

Psalm 147:6

6 The LORD sustains the humble
       but casts the wicked to the ground.

Psalm 147:11

11 the LORD delights in those who fear him,
       who put their hope in his unfailing love

I pray that he does this every day. I pray that he continues to guide me and heal me daily. I pray that he puts forgiveness in the hearts and souls of my daughters and I. I pray that he does the same for those set upon my destruction as well.

Ephesians 3:16-19

16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Although I feel this full measure of Christ’s love, I still doubt and fear. I know that this is the darkness of the situation attempting to take over. I know this is that darkness putting up obstacles, obstructions, and road blocks to His love. I know this is darkness attempting to take control over me. When I feel this way, I usually say a prayer in order to remove it from my mind. It actually eases me. It actually helps me become re-focused on the chore, opportunity, and issue at hand. Sometimes it does get overwhelming. I thank God for the blessings of family, friends, and a great attorney that re-focus me immediately.

Seeing Clearly

2010-03-13T15:34:00Z

I am at a point where I need eyeglasses. I was reading a review at examiner.com concerning a new company, Zenni Optical. I was amazed that glasses are becoming more and more inexpensive. Zenni Optical cuts out the middle man which is usually a place such as Eyemart Express. You see many of the buy one pair, get the other pair free. You also see buy two pair of eyeglasses for a hundred dollars. Zenni Optical makes many of these places obsolete. They have everything that one might need from an Optical store. They have bifocals, polychromatic, and many other brands for less. What makes them so inexpensive? They manufacture the glasses in their factory. They ship directly to you instead of making you wait an hour or even days to pick up your glasses. They get them to you fairly quickly.

Although these glasses are made in China and sometimes take a few weeks to ship to you, you can save quite a bit of money in doing it this way. If you are looking to save money, this is a new way to help you save money on an yearly expense that can be costly if you use a local store.

Biblical Reading

2010-03-12T01:41:00Z

I discovered an interesting Biblical story about an interesting woman, Queen Vashti. She is in the Book of Esther in the Bible. I was looking for interesting passwords. I had been using Hebrew terms. Since someone has installed a key logging program into my computer, changing passwords have been a constant habit. My sister and I were looking for a new password. I did not choose this one but it was an interesting story.

I researched her today. I found the story very appealing in my Biblical lessons. I relate to this queen because like her I refuted my husband. Like her, I have been cast aside.

According to Wikipedia, she is a woman who refused to come to her husband's banquet because his heart was merry with wine. He replaced her with Esther after he beheaded her as seen in the image above. The earliest women's movement has called Queen Vashti an inspiration to women around the world.

It is ironic where you find inspiration. You can find this story in the first book of Esther. It is a shame that women still are being shamed, humiliated, and betrayed when they refuse their husbands. You can find the writings here.

Checking Quotes

2010-03-12T01:31:00Z

Since my life has changed so rapidly, I do not know what is real and what is not anymore. I have to make assumptions and move forward with what I know as the truth. One of the many new responsibilities that I have is finding a decent car insurance company. It does not matter where you live. It can be anywhere. You can find Pennsylvania insurance if you so desire. I know that I needed quotes and I got what I needed. You can find them yourself if you are shopping around to make sure that you are getting the cheapest insurance possible.

Are You Attending?

2010-03-11T21:03:00Z

I have attempted to write this post several times. My computer is acting real strange. So pardon me as I attempt again. I apologize for not writing about adoption. Although it is still an important issue to me, it is something that I can not give it my full attention. I wish that I could. Many of my readers know that my life has fallen into a huge tailspin. Many of my readers are my real life friends. I thank all of them for being there for me during this time of trial and fire.

I mentioned spiritual strength in my last post. I am learning to have faith when I did not think that I could find it. I have been blessed by certain people in my life. I can attest that God is watching over me and my children. I can testify that he does exist. I have to give you a little history in my spiritual training. I was initially introduced to various religions through out my life. I was, however, raised Catholic. I, like many others, strayed away from it.   My mother eventually discovered Black Gospel Churches. I even went to one myself with her. It was a pretty incredible experience. You have to experience one of those churches. The music itself is reason enough to go to one. Being heavily influenced by music throughout my teen years, I enjoy a lively music show within a church. It makes me want to come back. Its how I express my rejoicing in the Lord.

When I moved back here, I was scared, paranoid, and hurt. I was very fortunate in that I met an awesome neighbor. She introduced my daughters and I to a church just up the road. Evangel Temple, an Assembly of God church, has been one of the most incredible experiences for my girls and I. I walked in and felt welcomed. I heard the music. I was drawn to it. My daughters were also drawn but a little skeptical. Having been in a church like that in the past, I told them that it was a good sign. My oldest shook her head. She began to enjoy the music but was laughing at me because I was dancing to it. I was really into the music. The preacher was a guest speaker as my preacher and his wife were in Haiti on medical mission. No they were not looking to adopt on this mission although it is their desire.   That is a separate issue. Its not one that I am addressing at this moment.   I am sure that we will.

I heard the preacher for the first time by myself on the following Sunday. This man has got to be the most inspiring man that I have had the pleasure of meeting. The church family is one of the most caring and compassionate ones that I have seen in years. I attended church when I initially left my husband and stayed with supposed friends. I attended church with them for three Sundays.   My daughters did, too. I did not get the opportunity to attend church while I was with family. Once I came back, I found this one.

His first sermon that I heard by myself was about Haiti. He was talking about how Haiti had been knocked down. How many of us feel that way? I know that I do.   He also began discussing getting up, standing up, and marching forward.   The way he presented it inspired and motivated me. I am knocked down but I know that God doesn't want me to stay down. I am now standing up because of this initial sermon.

I had my daughters the following weekend. We had fun but we still went to church. It opened up with an awesome music show with the Pastor's wife leading in song. She has really got a great voice. I am very impressed. Her voice gives me goosebumps. My daughters participated more this time. They even made a commitment to be saved as I did the weekend before. That week's sermon was a variation of the previous one. Again we have to get up. This time, we sometimes have to go back in order for us to move forward. The trip may not be easy. God does not guarantee easy. He guarantees that he walks with you and helps you through it. Sometimes it is cruel, excruciating, and hard. I know because I am walking that road now. He promises his blessings as you go through it. It may seem dark but there is light at the end of this. For me, I am seeing light.

I recently went to an Equip class. This type of class is special in that it helps you develop your weak areas in to strength. One of my areas of strength has been adoption. I find myself using symbolism in my ever changing life. I find myself using adoption as a source of strength instead of weakness. I believe that both of my mothers have instilled all of their strength in me.   I believe that all of three of my fathers are doing the same. One if not two of them are standing guard over my daughters and I. I believe that my grandmother and a family friend are standing guard over my daughters. They are the warring angels protecting us. I can see my grandmother's arms gently wrapped around my daughters in love while my fathers and Edgar are standing guard.   It is that image along with Jesus watching over my girls with gentle love and adoration that brings great healing to my heart and soul.

Last Sunday night, I got to hear Jamie Englehart speak. If you have not heard of him, he is a wow kind of prophet. I admit that I am skeptical when someone is called a prophet. This man speaks in a way that makes you stop and think.   He made me think big time. I had several epiphanies while listening to him. This does not happen to me. I am not someone who is deeply religious. I am now because of these people have a deeper faith in Christ and our Lord. I am passing this on to my daughters. Faith is what gets us through our darkest hours. I am in my darkest hour. Alanon and Alcoholics Anonymous helped me years ago. I now need something more. A recent adoptee friend told me this. I believe that he is right.

The Equip class that I chose to attend is called DivorceCare. It is a journey about the relearning of one's sense of self. Adoption did a lot of that for me. God, however, wants me to take it further. He wants me to know me as He sees me. Since I joined this class in its fifth week, the topic was about loneliness while going through a divorce. I have chosen not to be involved with a member of the opposite sex.    I have male friends yes. Those male friends go back way back into my past. They have all told me that it is time to return to the Amy that they knew. I still have to deal with the issues at hand.

My first biblical verses concerned the betrayal of Jesus. I have said in recent months that Jesus is the only one who understands how deep my betrayal goes. Like him, I saw mine coming as well. I just never figured that it would run this deep. The first verse that was mentioned in the workbook is Matthew 26:47-50.

Jesus Arrested

⁴⁷While he was still speaking, Judas, one of the Twelve, arrived. With him was a large crowd armed with swords and clubs, sent from the chief priests and the elders of the people. ⁴⁸Now the betrayer had arranged a signal with them: "The one I kiss is the man; arrest him." ⁴⁹Going at once to Jesus, Judas said, "Greetings, Rabbi!" and kissed him. ⁵⁰Jesus replied, "Friend, do what you came for."

I can fully understand what he felt. I saw this as well in my own life. I felt the shame, humiliation, and the betrayal. If Jesus felt like I did, I can also include crushed in this as well. I wonder if he viewed his situation as utterly insane as I view mine.

The next verse that the workbook asks about is Matthew 26:69-75.

Peter Disowns Jesus

⁶⁹Now Peter was sitting out in the courtyard, and a servant girl came to him. "You also were with Jesus of Galilee," she said.

⁷⁰But he denied it before them all. "I don't know what you're talking about," he said.

⁷¹Then he went out to the gateway, where another girl saw him and said to the people there, "This fellow was with Jesus of Nazareth."

⁷²He denied it again, with an oath: "I don't know the man!"

⁷³After a little while, those standing there went up to Peter and said, "Surely you are one of them, for your accent gives you away."

⁷⁴Then he began to call down curses on himself and he swore to them, "I don't know the man!"

Immediately a rooster crowed. ⁷⁵Then Peter remembered the word Jesus had spoken: "Before the rooster crows, you will disown me three times." And he went outside and wept bitterly.

Like Jesus again, I was disowned by supposed friends. I was denied by supposed friends. That betrayal runs deep not just for me but for both of my daughters. In fact, one was humiliated over it again by her father. She stood up for me. I am proud of her. I saddened that her father did not honor her wishes.

The next verse was Matthew 27:45-46.

The Death of Jesus

⁴⁵From the sixth hour until the ninth hour darkness came over all the land. ⁴⁶About the ninth hour Jesus cried out in a loud voice, "Eloi, Eloi,^[a] lama sabachthani?"—which means, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"^[b]

I understand this one the most. I have felt that. I realize though that I have not been forsaken. My God has been standing by my side if not carrying me through this. I only see one set of footprints in the sand. They are not my daughters or mine. Like Jesus, it was my darkest hour but the light began to shine on me once I turned to Him. He is the only one who can heal me. He is the only one who can love me as I am worthy of. He is the one that created me in beauty and love. I now believe it.

The final verse is Isaiah 43:2-3.

² When you pass through the waters,
       I will be with you;
       and when you pass through the rivers,
       they will not sweep over you.
       When you walk through the fire,
       you will not be burned;
       the flames will not set you ablaze.

³ For I am the LORD, your God,
       the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
       I give Egypt for your ransom,
       Cush ^[a] and Seba in your stead.

This is when I knew that I was no longer alone. I knew that I was strong enough to withstand this cruel storm with its emotional tornadoes. I knew that I would eventually heal with God's love and time.

I know that some very spiritual friends will read this and be rejoicing for me. That I finally understand. I appreciate all that adoption, Alanon, and even Alcoholics Anonymous has taught me. It is time for me to develop what God wants for me. It is time for me to learn to be single which means separate, unique, and whole. According to Dr. Myles Munroe, "singleness is something that should be pursued, not avoided. Most people become married in an attempt to become single (separate, unique, whole)." That tells me that I need to develop my identity. It means that I must regain my independence, my spirit, and my strength as God has planned for me. I have been avoiding new relationships. I tell God my feelings. I link up with other Christian minded people especially women. Same sex friends provide stability and strength for someone like me. I find people who need my help. These are positive ways to improve me. I am putting these into practice every day.

So be patient with me folks as I get back to who I once was and who God wants me to be. You all will be rejoicing at that time as well whether or not you are believers. You will see what my old friends of the past saw. I will be back full force in adoption because God does want truth and justice for us adoptees, birth parents, and adoptive parents. I will be one of those helping them get it.

Strength Comes From Interesting Places

2010-03-05T00:46:00Z

I am sorry that I have not kept this blog updated. I have had very serious issues that require my full attention. If I allow myself to be distracted for a second, I will be blindsided in another unimaginable manner. This blog post is about strength. I am talking about all types of strength, emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual strength.

Most of my readers and friends know that I am in the middle of the a highly contentious divorce. One would think that this situation involved millions of dollars but sadly it just involves a poor cowboy and his wife. I am having to think so far outside of the box that it boggles even my mind. One friend has called it, As the World Turns, Burt Style. I have even mentioned that there needs to be an ex wives club that is exclusive to my husband alone. I am wife number five. I admit that I was not the sharpest tool in the shed when it came to my choice of a life partner. Like the women before and the woman after me, I believed that I could love away the pain that he has faced. I can say this much. There will never be another woman that loved him as much as I did.   He will never have another woman that gave as completely as I did.   With that said, this article is about strength.

So what do you think is strength? You can be physically strong in which you can move furniture, lift weights, and other such feats of physical strength. Mental strength can mean many things as well. It can mean the mental capacity to figure out a situation whether it be a Math situation, a literature reading assignment, and other things. For me it means the ability to handle any situation with fortitude. I have learned that I have that fortitude. I did not think that I still had it in me. I guess with all that I have experienced in this lifetime of mine that I have had it for a long time. Emotional strength is another one. Everyone knows that I have been put through the ringer. Spiritual strength is a new concept for me. I am learning to rely on new resources.

So many times after a relationship breakup, people seek new ones to replace that one. It is sometimes called the go between person. Those relationships never work. I know because I have dealt with those situations. I have long learned for myself that it is better to take time to heal emotionally, mentally and spiritually before beginning any new relationship. I take the time to grieve. It is not fair to any new individual that comes along to do this because hurt is the only thing that results.    I find myself doing that even more so now. Although I have male friends, I surround myself with strong and empowering women. I found one such woman from my church who happens to be my neighbor. I also have female friends who have helped a great deal too. I have also learned that both my birth mother and adoptive mother gave me their strength and fortitude. I would not be where I am at without them. If I want to pray with someone, I want another woman sitting beside me. A man's intention with a divorcing woman is not as pure as that of a woman. Men often view such women in a very manipulative manner. Its one thing to pray for a woman but praying with a divorcing woman feels odd to me. Its one thing when it is a preacher but something completely different with someone else. I hope you can understand that difference.   I do not want to seek out another relationship. I want to heal first because the next relationship is someone that I will want to give myself completely to. I do not want to be mourning a relationship. As far as I see it, I am involved with my God. He will love and heal my wounded soul, body and mind.

I have encountered many of the men folk that have watched me grow. They have also helped me grow. Fritz who is now the family mechanic because of one of my accidents checked out my father's car for me before I left San Marcos recently.   We covered a great deal of history while he was doing that. He was surprised to see me. I met him through an old boyfriend who has long since moved on and I hope he is doing great things. We even talked about Victor for a moment or two. I told him what was going on. I paid our bill with him with a hug. That was all he said that I owed him. Fritz was the mechanic who I often called if I had an issue with a car. I could count on him to explain what to do with awesome detail.

My second adoptive father who is and will forever be my Daddy is another person who taught me strength. He pushed me beyond my limitations. He died seven years ago. I now have the last car that he drove. I feel his presence in my car protecting me. I was rummaging through his remaining things. I found his golf bags, his golf shoes, and several golf balls. I also found a certificate of some kind of training in his brief case. I also discovered a box of tools. I know that he would want me to have them. He knows that I will put them to good use. I also found his old business cards. I am getting a little teary eyed thinking of him. He taught me how to change the oil, a tire, and make small repairs on a car. He taught me perseverance. I think back on several others. I can only say humbly, thank you for all that you have done for me. Even the worst postmaster in USPS history taught me some things. I know that they are all proud of me. Heck I am even learning to be proud of what I have done in recent weeks. I moved back to an area that is openly hostile to me. It is a situation that will lead to continued humiliation, betrayal, and hurt. I know that I will rise above it. I hope to teach my daughters the same lesson. That is just who I am. I am lucky in that I am surrounding myself with positive, uplifting, and safe people.

I have another group of people to thank. I have thanked my mothers. I need to openly thank my sisters. They have helped me in ways that I did not think were possible. I am trying very hard to pass that lesson onto my daughters. Sisters have a special bond. One sister gave my daughters and I her home when I needed it. My mother let me cry my heart out when I needed it. One of my sisters took out loans to pay for the things that she bought my daughters. Another sister did the same thing. I have what I have because of the love that we share. I have furnishings because of my mother and sisters gave of themselves. I will forever be eternally grateful for those things. I will be forever grateful for what my family has done for me. My first adoptive father has also helped me out as well. Because of his advice, I am able to further empower myself. There are others who need mentioning too but they know who they are.

Thank you all that have been supportive, loving, kind, and generous to me. You have no idea what this all means to me. I am humbled by your gestures. I thank God above for the blessings that you have given me. I say a special prayer of thanks for the gifts that you have given me.

I Will Survive

2010-02-23T16:45:00Z

At first I was afraid I was petrified
Kept thinkin' I could never live without you by my side;
But then I spent so many nights
Thinkin' how you did me wrong
And I grew strong and I learned how to get along
And now you're back from outer space
I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed that stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I'd've known for just one second you'd back to bother me
Go on now, go walk out the door
Just turn around now
('cause) you're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
Did I crumble
Did you think I'd lay down and die?
Oh no, not.I. I will survive
Oh as long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive;
I've got all my life to live,
I've got all my love to give and I'll survive,
I will survive. Hey hey.
It took all the strength I had not to fall apart
Kept trying' hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart,
And I spent oh so many nights
Just feeling sorry for myself. I used to cry
But now I hold my head up high
And you see me somebody new
I'm not that chained up little girl who's still in love with you,
And so you feel like droppin' in
And just expect me to be free,
Now I'm savin' all my lovin' for someone who's lovin' me
Go on now.. etc.

I Am Woman by Helen Reddy

2010-02-23T16:39:00Z

I was raised listening to this woman. All women should pay head to her music. Here are her lyrics:

I Am Woman

-Artist: Helen Reddy from "Helen Reddy's Greatest Hits": EMI ST 11467
-peak Billboard position # 1 for 1 week in 1972
-Words and Music by Helen Reddy and Ray Burton

I am woman, hear me roar
In numbers too big to ignore
And I know too much to go back an' pretend
'cause I've heard it all before
And I've been down there on the floor
No one's ever gonna keep me down again

CHORUS
Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman

You can bend but never break me
'cause it only serves to make me
More determined to achieve my final goal
And I come back even stronger
Not a novice any longer
'cause you've deepened the conviction in my soul

CHORUS

I am woman watch me grow
See me standing toe to toe
As I spread my lovin' arms across the land
But I'm still an embryo
With a long long way to go
Until I make my brother understand

Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to I can face anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman
Oh, I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong

FADE
I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong
I am woman

Pink Absolutely Rocks!

2010-02-23T14:59:00Z

I love this song. I have loved it since it first came out. It has a good beat. It has awesome lyrics. I feel empowered by this song. I know it sounds crazy but its the truth. I feel like dancing when I hear the song. I used to jam to it in my car. They don't play it as much any more.

I'M LEGIT

2010-01-23T17:41:00Z

Veterans and Adoptees

2010-01-23T16:38:00Z

A new group has come up on my radar. I am thrilled that such a group exists. I had only met a few of us online. I know many adoptees but the combination of veteran and adoptees are a little more hard to find. I am one of those. I have fought for my country in Desert Storm. I am also an adoptee. This group addresses those particular issues. I as an American citizen who has done her civic duty as such is having her rights violated by the adoption industry and the states.

Introducing AWOL - Adoptees Without Liberty. This group is not just reserved for adoptees. It also includes birth parents and adoptive parents who have served as well. We are wanting our rights as American citizens restored. We should not be considered incompetent by reason of adoption. So please visit their Guestbook and give a big boost of support to them. The state legislators need to hear that adoptees are not just your average joes. We are also GI Joes and GI Janes.

Can you tell which one is Me?

2010-01-22T17:38:00Z

I am being gently reminded of who I was and who I will become once again. Thank you Tim, Carrie, Todd, John, Patrick, and so many more. May God Bless You All!

Gorgeous Day

2010-01-21T23:03:00Z

Today was a beautiful day outside. It was actually in the 80s. It is warm and sunshiny. Today I feel like I accomplished some things. I spoke with a couple of friends today. I also got a great pep talk from a long time friend. I also spoke with VA representative yesterday who gave me hope on a job source which would be doing something that I love. Although the day got off a little bumpy, it smoothed out with great ease. I have been watching the news on the Haiti airlifting of children. Like many other adoption bloggers, I am concerned about it. I worry about potential corruption and fraud. I worry about potential coercion of birth parents in that country. I worry when politicians promise to speed up adoptions from a country that has been utterly destroyed by natural disaster.

I will let those bloggers tell of their issues with it. They know better on what is going on. I haven't had the time to take care of it. So make sure you keep yourself updated with the Bastardette with her stories. I am sure that there are others out there. Many states are also introducing legislation so be on the look out for that information as well. Updates are popping up everywhere.

So I am going to enjoy the sunshine, my children, and tranquility outside. Enjoy your day.